It's probably safe to say that when it comes to planning a life together, no one imagines they're going to have trouble getting pregnant and having a baby. Some of a couple's most cherished moments involve dreaming of their future family. Rarely do they ponder the need for a Plan B.

For many couples, infertility can present the first major challenge to their relationship. Being told that you and yours will need assistance to have a child can feel like having the wind knocked out of you and your relationship. The unfortunate truth is that infertility and its treatment can take a final toll on some couples, causing discord and disintegration.

Are there steps you can take to fortify your relationship?

Do whatever works for you to raise your energy back up and find another route. Languishing by the roadside is okay for a bit, but hang out there too long and you can wind up missing your best chances at assisted conception.

If you're part of a couple, you'll both need to participate -- this is a joint project. You won't necessarily always be in sync, but a solid, lasting relationship includes conscious knowledge that such times will come, that individuals sometimes need a bit of distance, and the trust in each other and faith in the relationship that you'll stay true to your goals.

Sounds like inachievable perfection?

For some, it may be. There are a number of life circumstances that carry such a wallop, even the closest couple has their foundation shaken -- and infertility is one of those situations. It's an experience that makes people look deeply at their truest desires and, in some cases, that turns out to be something other than parenthood.

If you or your loved one feel on shaky ground about your hopes, dreams, and family-building plans, it's time to enlist the help of an expert.

Plan B Addendum

When patients express a desire for help in sorting out their issues, either individually or as a couple, we refer them to Kathy Stern, M.A., Director of Parenting Options. Kathy works with our couples who are using third-party techniques (donor egg or sperm and surrogacy), and her years of expertise and training within the field of infertility treatment allow her to meet the unique needs of all our patients, regardless of their treatment choices.

"Many times," Kathy consoles, "the partner who has medical issues begins to have feelings of inadequacy. These feelings can range from embarrassment even with their spouse, sexual dysfunction and intimacy issues, fear of disappointing the spouse, and feelings that he or she is not living up to expectations of the other." She adds that couples and women, in particular, often begin to isolate themselves from others because of embarassment and feeling "less than."

Infertility's social impact is broad, affecting virtually every relationship including friends, family, and even spirituality. Protecting the relationship with your partner will help you cope with any changes in other important connections.

As always, my staff and I are mindful of the very sensitive and intimate nature of what brought you to our office -- your desire to build your family and the need for assistance. I hope that you'll feel comfortable inquiring about relationship or individual counseling to meet your emotional needs, as well as your medical ones. We remain respectful and open to your questions and comments.

Sincerely,

Sonja B. Kristiansen, MD